It seems as though everyone in the world needs more money. Everyone, that is, except big corporations who are very willing to give away great sums of green on the most ridiculous things. If you wonder what I'm talking about, I can answer you in five words:

The Federal Express Orange Bowl.

Still don't get it? Neither do I. I just can't understand why a shipping company would pay millions of dollars to attach its name to a college football game.

I suppose marketing analysts would say that it helps with the company's name recognition, which somehow translates into more profit. Then again, junking up the title of hallowed football tradition with commercial gibberish is a fairly stomach-turning case of overinflated corporate ego and bound to annoy sporting purists throughout the land, not to mention sports writers who have to type more words every time they mention the game.

Blockbuster is another one. This corporation sponsors everything from an IMAX theater at a science museum to a national entertainment awards show to a blimp to sporting events, including the Blockbuster Bowl. I suppose Blockbuster would sponsor your household toilet bowl for $5 a month or so if the company could be assured its name would pop up every time nature called.

Wife: So did you like my red bean and cabbage casserole?

Husband: It was delicious.

Wife: Where are you going?

Husband: I need to go to the Blockbuster bathroom.

Things haven't gone that far yet, but I recently read that Volusia County in central Florida was offered half a million bucks a year to make Coca-Cola its official soft drink. I'm not exactly sure what that means, or entails, but it sounds like a good deal for everyone except maybe Pepsi fanatics. Volusia has a similar arrangement with Hawaiian Tropic worth 50 grand a year.

A Coke spokesman said that municipalities make good marketing sense, especially if they're tourist destinations.

Hmmmmm. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Key Biscayne probably has $25 million worth of capital improvement projects planned for the next five years. Toothless debt cap aside, that's a lot of money for a small community to dish out.

Why not cozy up with some friendly corporate sugar daddies? I bet they would like you, call you honey and even send flowers in the morning. You're the perfect marketing jewel, sparkling in a sea of tourist destinations and only minutes from the gateway to Latin America. There are a lot of potential Coke drinkers and Hawaiian Tropic users down there by the equator.

I don't think you'd have to change your name like the football bowls and stadiums, though Coca Key Biscayne has a nice alliterative ring. I'm not really sure what you'd have to do other than incorporate some company logos into your letterhead, put them on your street-light banners and maybe tattoo them on the foreheads of all firstborn children.

Certainly, Volusia County proves that marketing money is available. The question is how are you going to get some of it? I believe that the key lies in marketing yourself properly. You've already gotten a good start by establishing this "island paradise" motif long ago, even though Crandon Boulevard looks a lot more like Kendall than Tahiti. Other measures could be taken. For example, since these companies generally target baby boomers and their offspring, I'd suggest the Council pass an ordinance to keep old people off the streets during daylight hours so it would at least appear as though the Village demographics matched the corporations' target markets.

The main trick would be to match up sponsors with specific projects. Though there are Federal Expresses out there who don't seem to care what they sponsor, many companies like to sponsor things that have some sort of tie to their businesses. For example, Pro Player Stadium, where athletic competitions take place, is named after a manufacturer of athletic undergarments. (The fact that professional ballplayers are always adjusting their undergarments as though they don't fit right, which might reflect poorly on the company's products, didn't seem to faze the Pro Player people.) So I would suggest playing match-maker between companies and causes. In fact, I even have a few suggestions to get you started.

One of the most pressing community necessities is for one of those newfangled sanitary sewer systems. The people who need it don't want to pay for it. Neither does the Village. Why not get Ex-Lax or Metameucel or any of the many other products that are designed to create demand for effective sewage disposal? If the State winds up mandating a system, you could then turn to Federal Express because "it would absolutely, positively have to be there" and thus fit in with the company motto (though considering its past record, Federal Express probably wouldn't get the connection).

Another urgent Village need is for a new fire station, seeing how the old one is in about the same condition as the historic and dilapidated Villa 69. This would be a perfect opportunity for Tums or Tangament or any of those anti-heartburn products that claim to "put the fire out."

The Village needs a new police station too. Kryptonite bicycle locks would be a good target, seeing how bicycle theft seems to be the predominant crime out here. If that fails, you could try The Club anti-car theft device. Or you might be able to get some money out of Intratec, a local manufacturer of semi-automatic weapons which no doubt helps to provide a lot of business for South Florida police forces.

Another must-do project is beach nourishment. Maybe Microsoft would "chip" in because the imported sand would have to be both "micro" and "soft." If Gates isn't interested, you could hit up one of the cruise lines. Since the dredging of Government Cut is one of the major causes of the disappearing beach syndrome, you could work on their guilt a little. Tell them if it weren't for the channel that takes them from port to sea and back again, Key Biscayne would still have an adequate natural beach. Though it's true that big corporations have about as much social conscience as Ted Bundy, someone somewhere might see it as a viable marketing ploy to lead the public to believe that, yes, they really do care about the environment.

Need some traffic calming devices. Try Goodyear or Michelin, tires that can take the pounding of people hitting traffic circle curbs.

How about the community center? I can't think of anything off the top of my head, except Blockbuster, which specializes in family entertainment.

Want the utility wires buried? Maybe Adelphia Cable would bite. They could call it the Adelphia Underground Network. The only problem I foresee is that every time you picked up your phone to make a call, your TV might switch to C-Span.

And how about the Mashta Bridge? In the old days before modern marketing strategies were developed, people would laugh if you tried to sell them something like the Brooklyn Bridge. But nowadays corporations would probably just ask, "How much?"

There are a host of other projects I haven't yet considered: the stormwater utility debt, sidewalk construction, ball fields, Crandon Boulevard beautification and the Calusa Playhouse to name a few.

Corporations might also be willing to sponsor individual events. How's the John Hancock Fourth of July Parade sound to you? The Nike Lighthouse Run? The Kodak Key Biscayne Art Festival? The No-Doz Village Council meetings?

The list is as long as your imagination. You could even create some events tailored to a specific corporation's image. The Mattel Christmas Toy Parade. The Sony Key Biscayne Music Festival. The Federal Express Bridge Tournament (or maybe, the Federal Express Mashta Bridge Tournament).

Corporations might even be willing to sponsor members of the Village Council. Certainly, with his youthful zest, your skiing, tennis-playing Vice Mayor Mortimer Fried is a natural for Geritol or Ensure or Centrum Silver. And one look at Councilmember Michele Padovan's kilowatt smile would be all it would take to get Pepsodent's interest.

So there you have it. An answer to all of your monetary questions. With a little thought and ingenuity, I'm sure that the Village could find a sponsor for everything the Villagers need and want.

And remember, if in doubt, try Federal Express.