Before I got this job reporting for The Islander News, I worked for an extremely temperamental, demanding individual who was at times irrational and incommunicative and furthermore went wee-wee and poo-poo in his pants. I am talking, of course, of the Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich.

Just kidding, though I suspect that the honorable representative from the proud state of Georgia exhibits four of the five qualities listed above. Actually, I was referring to the newest speaker of my house, my son Glen.

Yes, before working here in the relatively calm, relaxed atmosphere of a newsroom, I was Mr. Mom, a housewife in all but gender--or housespouse if you prefer--who was on call day and night administering to this little creature's every need and whim, feeding him, burping him, changing him, entertaining him and teaching him important things in life like walking, talking and how to use the TV remote.

Mothering is no easy task, especially for a father. Yet between corporate downsizing, women's equality and other sociological factors which are constantly redefining the modern American family, more and more men are finding themselves home alone with junior or juniorette.

Speaking from experience, I offer the following tips on mothering for men:

1) Get over the stigma.

The word "stigma" sounds like some kind of gunk that sticks to you and only comes off with wear and/or turpentine, unless it's baby stigma, which generally comes off with soap and water.

Actually, stigma is a mark of shame or something perceived to be such. It's quite natural for a man to feel embarrassed or even emasculated when he goes from being a family provider to nursemaid, but in truth, I must say that it's a heck of a lot easier to go to the office every day than attend to the needs of a baby or toddler. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that your average bank president, corporate CEO or leader of the free world would rather spend eight or more hours at work than a couple of hours alone with an infant.

Your job as a male housewife is much more difficult than anything you might encounter in the work force, so be proud, stand tall and wear that baby stigma proudly, for you are treading where few men have gone before.

2) Let sleeping babies lie.

This sounds perfectly logical because when a baby is sleeping, he or she generally isn't screaming or crying or playing with steak knives or otherwise demanding your immediate and undivided attention. When a baby sleeps, you can perform your other housespouse chores, such as cooking, cleaning, washing clothes or watching women's aerobic championships on daytime sports networks.

However, many people, especially women people with experience in mothering, will try to convince you that babies need to be on schedules, so you shouldn't let them sleep too much during the day because they will then stay up too late at night. You tend to believe them and wake up the baby in the middle of a nap only to find yourself saddled with a cranky tyke who wants nothing more than to go back to sleep.

Let them snooze! Even if it means they'll stay up till midnight. At least at night, chances are your spouse will be home to share the duties, thus freeing you to do important things like drink beer and watch bona fide professional sports on TV.

3) Let them help.

As the baby becomes more aware of his or her surroundings, he or she will take an interest in the household chores and want to help you mop the floor, feed the dog, set the table, make the bed and throw away things like used napkins, junk mail, reading glasses, car keys, wallets and basically anything else that fits into a kitchen trash can.

My son Glen's favorite chore is to help wash dishes. As soon as he hears the kitchen faucet running, he pulls a chair up to the counter, climbs on it and grabs the clean dishes from the drying rack and throws them back into the sink because he likes to see the splash.

Your first instinct is to try to dissuade him by pushing him away or distract him by pointing out that the dog hasn't had her ears or tail pulled for at least five minutes. Unfortunately, wee people can be every bit as stubborn as adults and you will generally wind up fending him off with one hand while trying to wash dishes with the other, which is somewhat impossible.

Instead, you can appease the child by giving him a wet sponge and asking him to wipe down the counter. He won't, of course, but will quickly realize that a wet sponge when squeezed will produce water, and uncontained water never ceases to fascinate little people. He'll soak the counter, floor, you and himself, but while doing so, will give you enough time to finish the dishes.

4) Don't worry about making a mess.

Babies and toddlers generally have about the same sense of orderliness as Hurricane Andrew. This is evidenced by the fact that they have an innate ability to turn an orderly house into an entropic mass of clutter in a matter of micro-seconds.

Some of Glen's first word-pairings were: "star trek," "dog food" and "big mess," the last of which he states with a seemingly maniacal glee as he stands in a knee-high pile of Leggos or the midst of an overturned dog food bowl of mixed Alpo and chicken parts.

The trick here is to let it ride. Let the mess accumulate until right before your wife comes home from work, so you only have to clean up once. In the meantime, your child might just put away some of the Leggo pieces by himself (or throw them away), and the dog is much more likely to clean up the Alpo and chicken parts on her own.

5) Never buy toys with a lot of pieces.

You'll see it advertised on the box: "Tool Set with 50 pieces" or "100-piece dollhouse." Forget it! Each piece represents something else you'll have to bend over to pick up 18 times a day and/or step on barefooted in the middle of the night, turning an otherwise harmless trip to the bathroom into a painful experience. The human arch is particularly susceptible to Leggo pieces and matchbook cars, especially the little tow truck.

Many of these neat, multi-piece toy sets have incredibly creative boxes that organize these toys in styrofoam compartments which look neat and orderly when they're sitting in their box with the cellophane window. If you know what's good for you, throw away the styrofoam and box because you'll never be able to figure out which little piece fits in which compartment and even if you do, you won't want to spend all of your free time doing this. Best bet is to trash any packaging that contains styrofoam and throw the toys en mass into a toy chest or bucket, which the child will delight in overturning.

Another thing about toys: don't get battery operated ones with an on/off switch unless your name happens to be Mr. Duracell or Mr. Everready. Children who can't figure out how to transport a spoon of mush from bowl to mouth, have no problem figuring out how to flick switches from off to on. With an attention span of, liberally-speaking, eight seconds, they'll quickly move on to another toy. When you turn off the first toy, their interest in it is instantly renewed. And so it begins. The child turns the toy on, the adult turns it off, the child turns it on, the adult turns it off, on, off, on, off, on, off...

The child doesn't want to play with the toy, but wants to leave it on. The adult has an irrepressible compulsion to not let it run and run till the battery dies down. A battle of wills ensues, which leads us to:

6) In a battle of wills, you lose.

When a baby or toddler doesn't get his or her way, he or she will usually cry, or more precisely, scream as though his or her leg is being torn off by a pack of rabid rottweilers. Tears will flow from the eyes, snot will run out of the nose, drool will dribble from the mouth and, as often as not, assorted baby stigma will seep or gush from other orifices. While you in no way want to spoil the child, you would have to be as thick-skinned as a brontosaurus not to do whatever it takes to make the blubbering bundle feel better and hopefully stop the flow of bodily fluids.

So just give in, pick up the little guy or gal, hug him or her and say that you're sorry, and if he or she really, really wants to play with the garden hose in the house, it's all right. I suppose it all boils down to this:

7) You can't spoil a baby with love.

While I would love to extrapolate on this tip and many others that I have in mind, I fear that I'm already running well over my weekly allotment of column inches.

Maybe I'll just have to write a book about it.