For a moment, let's return to that thrilling day in May when an awesome photo of a tornado twisting through the City of Miami, searching in vain for something of value to destroy, appeared on the front page of a local metropolitan newspaper.

Though the picture was captivating, my attention was quickly drawn to a small article at the bottom of the page because the dateline was STATE COLLEGE, Pa.

That name always brings a smile to my face because State College is the place where I learned how to play rugby, shotgun a beer, fall in love and make the consummate grilled processed-cheese sandwich, among other things. Since State College is the hometown of Penn State University, some of those other things I learned there included higher education type of stuff, most of which I forgot by the time I graduated with relief, if not honors, in 1976.

This particular article was about a study conducted by Penn State's renowned sociology department, a study which determined that, on the average, drivers took nearly seven seconds longer to pull out of a parking space if someone was waiting for it.

"Like our ancestors, we humans still defend territories," Penn State sociologist Barry Ruback was quoted as saying. He wasn't quoted as explaining why anyone would be territorial about a parking space he or she was already finished using, but I suppose that data is in the final report, possibly titled: "Territorialism Of 20th Century Humanoids As Manifested By Motorized Vehicular Parking Customs In A Collegiant Town Habitat," subtitled: "If You Want My Space, Sucker, You're Gonna Have To Wait For It."

In general, I would say that people who take longer leaving a parking space when they're finished shopping just because someone is waiting for it are just inconsiderate jerks who need to get a real life.

I, myself, tend to hurry up if someone is waiting for "my" space, which I suppose makes me a more highly evolved humanoid than many of my fellow vehicular drivers, especially in Miami.

Now I can understand a certain degree of territorialism when waiting for a space, patiently sitting there with your blinker on while some old or young geezer or geek languorously climbs behind the wheel, buckles up, adjusts mirrors and radio stations and otherwise goes through a pre-ignition checklist that would rival that of a moon launch before ever-so-carefully backing out in your direction and then pausing to let some little Mazda coming the wrong way down the parking lot aisle to scoot into the space before you have a chance to move.

But when it comes down to matters of cosmic significance, parking spaces rank about even with belly button lint. I mean, can you remember the great parking spaces you've had in your lifetime? Can you remember even one? I think that this study is indisputable proof of why Penn State University is much more famous for its football team than its sociology department. It also goes to show why so many of its football players are sociology majors.

Actually, this study raises many fascinating questions:

*why would an eminent social scientist come up with such an insipid topic?
*how did he get the funding to conduct it?
*what exactly is sociology and is there any evidence of it outside of academia?
*what do sociologists do for a living if they aren't sociology professors or professional football players?

I knew of one sociology major in college. His name was Ben Swift. Oddly enough, I remember him having a job as a valet parking attendant at the Nittany Lion Inn. Maybe this is a tradition for sociology majors at Penn State and what planted the seed for this study in Professor Ruback's head.

At any rate, later on I heard that "Swiftie" was driving a taxi cab in New York City, then heard that he went into business with someone who at one point had some big, burly, sociology major-types looking all over the east coast for him and some money he'd invested in something that had less of a return on it than a sociological study of parking habits.

But speaking of parking habits, it seems to be that if someone wanted to do a wonderful sociological study of this fascinating topic, he or she should go to any Publix lot in South Florida and especially the Publix in downtown Coral Gables where a store expansion stole a good portion of the lot, which was way inadequate to begin with.

Going into a lot as such, where the aisles are one-way and spots open up with the regularity of solar eclipses, you need to think of the whole thing as an absurdity to be laughed at and not taken seriously.

The right attitude is this: Never before in human history has it ever been so easy to get an incredible assortment of relatively affordable food to eat. If you have to wait a few minutes in a parking lot for a space, consider that your ancestors had to go out and shoot and skin a possum or squirrel or catch a fish or actually grow vegetables and brew their own beer and whatnot just to eat and drink, and not nearly as well as we do.

The wrong attitude is this: I'm in a hurry. Being in a hurry will almost always assure you that everything in life will take longer, especially if you are looking for a parking space at a Publix.

For example, I cite a June 12 article in that local metropolitan daily about how a woman in the above mentioned Publix lot was jailed on criminal mischief charges in the aftermath of a fight over a parking spot which she apparently lost and, according to a witness, took out her frustration by keying the car and bending its antenna. Most likely, she was in a hurry and failed to see the humor of the parking situation at Publix. This mistake cost her not only money to pay for the damages, but also time spent in jail as well as time spent scrubbing fingerprint ink off of her hands.

I think I've just about exhausted all I have to say about parking, except to mention one more tidbit of an article which appeared in another not-so-local metropolitan newspaper. Apparently, the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office is seeking volunteers to become "parking enforcement specialists." Candidates must complete a 40-hour certification course, which will eventually make them eligible to "observe and enforce parking regulations." Sound like fun? The line starts in the sociology department.