Chat of The Rat
Bite me Rabbi!
Written by: Ponce DeRaton 02/10/05
Did you hear the one about the Rabbi that
moved onto an Island, bought a house, and then attempts to make it a synagogue?
It is called a house of worship.
Get it? Get it?
Neither do we. We are the citizens
of Key Biscayne. An island. A very expensive island community
who prides itself with
the lack of commercial shopping and tarot
card joints in between our homes. An island with a Rabbi who is walking
the walk.
Right up to the Supreme Court if he has
to, or so it seems. How neighborly. If you live in downtown
New Jersey.
But this is Key Biscayne and for those
of you who live here and actually read the Islander News before lining
your bird
cage or wrapping your bait with it, you
would have noticed that in this weeks edition, some of our governing council
was
actually shocked to find out that we had
a seaweed problem. Hello? Exactly which one of you voted for
these morons?
It is winter. We get different winds.
We get lots of seaweed. It is a natural occurrence that is easily
fixed each morning
by a tractor pulling a massive fork
like attachment that sweeps the seaweed to their neighbors property line
before
their neighbor has started their tractor.
The hotels have their own tractors to keep their hotel guests happy and
to keep the beach free of those pesky
200 lb. bails of marijuana that can be such a distraction to more than
one tourist.
Oh yeah and to clean off the seaweed.
But this is the kind of neighborhood we are. We just drag our seaweed
over
to our neighbors property line and pile
it there before they get their morning paper. Like overflow parking
on the swale.
The way that we say "Welcome to the wonderful
friendly Island Paradise of Key Biscayne" is by planting fast growing
thorny plants right against the street
so that nobody could ever park there ever again. To assure that the
plants grow,
we need to invest in some massive coral
rocks and sneak them under the ground cover plants. Regardless, people
still park there. They simply plow
the plants and push the rocks into a pile on the swale and block our driveway
right
when we have to leave to get our children
to the good schools located down the street or right off of the island.
You know, those schools off the Island
right next to the Synagogue. The good Rabbi got the message and thought,
hey, forgetaboutit, Im the Rabbi, I can
do that too. Only better. I can bring lotsa lotsa cars here.
So we have this new guy out here, new like
the kind of council beings that don't know about seaweed on the beach,
let's call him Rabbi Caroline, who wants
to have a whole bunch of zoning variances waived so that he can convert
(no pun intended) his Harbor Drive house
on the corner of Harbor and Fernwood into a place of worship.
Hello? Has anyone thought about
when the Rabbi goes to visit the Rabbi in the Sky? That's right,
we will all be
stuck with the vision less council that
can't see past it's tractor, shaking in their seats because the Rabbi's
attorney throws
in the word 'Federal' every once in a
while, and giving the OK to the worst idea to be introduced to this island
in
well, since it began. Unless of
course someone finds the long lost religion of Go Cart racing Religion
where
driving go carts around a track at high
speeds is part of the worship ceremony, then that idea will replace this
one as the worst idea for the community
at large to every approach Key Biscayne ever.
The Rabbi (teacher) does not seem to care
one bit. Especially since he seems to be approaching this the
way that many politicians face elections....
Keep dragging the issue through the courts until you get the desired answer.
Here is a person who says he cares about
people and is ready to plow right over their property rights, property
values, to further congest a horrible
intersection to begin with, and what if, pray tell (no pun intended), his
venture
is abundantly successful? What then?
What about when he is the Rabbi of this massive congregation? Buy
up
the house next door? Move up the
block? Think about it for at least as much time as you skipped mass
last week.
What happens when there IS a traffic overflow
problem.
For those of us old enough to remember
when the Presbyterian Church had a congregation with a find able pulse,
there was a pastor there by the name of
Steve Brown who eventually moved on to an Internationally syndicated
Radio Show with the Key
Life Network. During his 14 years at the Key Biscayne Presbyterian
church (which used to meet at
the Key Biscayne Elementary School cafeteria
before moving to meeting at the Jamaica Inn restaurant before
finally buying the land where the current
KBPC memorial building and International School is located) parking
was a
major issue and used to fill up all available
spaces down the street to the 7 - 11. The church first expanded
and then a wing (now a school) went up
to accommodate the Sunday School classes and they went from one
Sunday service to three and all three
became standing room only. It was very very busy. Now let's
just pretend
for just a moment that Rabbi Caroline
is an exceptional Rabbi and word gets out. His message of buying
residential property and pressuring the
community into variances to fit his place of worship into the Master Plan
(available on cassette, CD, or VHS) gets
out and makes it across the great divide
over to the mainland. Soon orthodox Jews from as far away as Kiev
will be coming to the Key to worship.
Now what? Well, now the plants with thorns and coral rocks get pushed
into a pile into the corner of the neighbors
yard so that the overflow parking can be taken care of.
With the happy ending of the story in site,
the hundreds of cars that will line the neighborhood swales in our yards,
will be overlooked just like the cars
that are parked in-between the no parking signs when there are government
sanctioned events at the Village Green
has a birthday party.
Blind eyes will be turned because the
'federal' word was used in front of
a seaweed spined council that refused
to think past how good the word honorable sounds in front of their name,
did not stand up and say. Bite me.
Not in MY neighborhood. THIS is Key Biscayne. If you want to
fit in, then
fit in and do it the way that the Santeria
Church on Ridgewood has to do it. The old fashioned way. Buy
it, grease
the palms of the council beings, or sue
with a nice Italian attorney.
Now since nobody is really using the Key
Biscayne Presbyterian Church anymore, Rabbi Caroline may consider
just changing the name to the Key Biscayne
House of Rabbi Caroline whatever and everyone wins.
Generation ally speaking, long after Rabbi
Caroline goes to the big Seder in the Sky, Key Biscayne has sent
a precedent that cannot be un-set.
This is awful. Just horrible. Imagine the turf war when
the Jehovah's witnesses
are headed down the Street. This
is just too much to ask. The government in what will hopefully be
a moment of
sanity will throw this thing so far that
the Rabbi will hear the cries of the people. We respect your freedom
to
worship and your right to assemble but
think past your own interests and hear how people that you claim to care
so
much about really think about your idea.
It bites. Big time.
There is something that is sacred to all
of us who have spent our lives here and that is the sacred protection of
our homes. There was not a temple
when we bought, when Rabbi or anyone else who moved here who wanted
a temple bought or rented here, and basically
all of us share an island that made the mistake of not having enough
Institutional Zoning. That is the
real issue. But, we knew that coming in. There is not enough
room here
for more 'houses of worship'. Do
we like that ? No. It is just the way that it is.
There is also no Mosques, Buddha Statues,
Santeria alters, or Go Cart Tracks.
Respect our island along with all of its
imperfections and together we can live in peace, or,
show us that you don't give a darn about
our Island, our point of view, our insufficient zoning, our laws,
and cost us money by expensive litigation
fighting to put your business in the middle of our homes.
This is a very bad idea to change residential
zoning into Institutional zoning.
This would be the point of no return and
a precedent that would be cited for years to come.
It would make our current laws and regulations
nearly meaningless and our Island a real mess.
The answer should be a resounding NO WAY
JOSE!! We will see.
Shalom.
Zoning Issue polarizes community - Just say No!
Hotels in: Key Biscayne, Coconut Grove, Miami/ Brickell, The Florida Keys, and South Beach (Miami Beach)
